Phil Coulson and the Seven Agents of SHIELD
by Inimitable and Original
Summary: Phil Coulson tells his kids a bedtime story that ends up being basically Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs with an Agents of SHIELD twist. One Shot. Set in the Avengers at Disney World-verse, though it's basically stand alone. One shot. Rated T for violence.


Once upon a time, there was a director of S.H.I.E.L.D and his name was Snow White. He became the director after Hydra was found to have infiltrated his organisation and the director faked his death and the deputy director resigned. When a member of his team was revealed to be Hydra, he had them arrested. However, he went a bit loopy and began carving out alien symbols on the wall. When Hydra went after a dangerous item known only as the Obelisk, Snow White made it his business to go after it too. This led to the discovery of an ancient underground alien city under Puerto Rico, which was later destroyed. After that, S.H.I.E.L.D went into a civil war with itself and eventually a war with the part alien civilization known as the Inhumans. After that, Snow White's former teammate excelled in the ranks of Hydra to become the leader himself, watching over Snow White's organisation, waiting for the right time to strike...

* * *

Snow White was working hard, slaving over a little black box known as the toolbox outside in the quad of the new S.H.I.E.L.D base. He was humming as he worked. For some reason, even though the base was out in the middle of nowhere, forest animals appeared and startled him.

"I wasn't expecting company." He said with a wry smile. "You're very welcome to watch though." He played with a hologram from the small box. "You know what makes this so special?" The animals said nothing back. "Well, I'm the director of S.H.I.E.L.D. So this box only opens for me. See these holograms?" He asked. Again, the animals said nothing. "They appear only for me. For my eyes only kind of thing." The animals watched. "You're no fun." He shrugged.

Snow White soon found out that he was being watched by the Prince.

"Snow White." The Prince said, climbing into the quad.

"Prince." Snow White said in happy surprise. "I wasn't expecting you."

"You never do, do you Snow White." The Prince raised his eyebrow.

"This is the part where you serenade me" Snow White folded his arms.

The Prince scoffed. "Then be startled."

"Fine." Snow White tapped the box and the holograms went away. He grabbed the box and slowly walked into the S.H.I.E.L.D base, going to watch the Prince on the security cameras, giggling as the Prince began his serenade.

"What's going on, Snow White?" A S.H.I.E.L.D agent asked.

"Nothing." Snow White smiled to himself. "Go back to your post, Agent."

Little did they both know that they were being watched over by the Hydra leader-Evil Queen on his cameras.

* * *

"Surveillance camera on the wall... Who's the fairest of them all?" Evil Queen grunted.

"Apparently it's Snow White, your majesty." The Huntsman said. Evil Queen glared at her.

"Those fools." Evil Queen said.

"Why is that?" The Huntsman asked.

"Well, Prince... Something is serenading Snow White." Evil Queen shrugged. "He's exposed himself and the base to Hydra."

"And what do you expect me to do about it?" The Huntsman shrugged,

"Well, for that I want Snow White's heart in this box." Evil Queen pointed to a small wooden box. "Or a plastic bag from Walmart. I don't care."

"So shall I present the heart to you in this box? And with what weapon shall I kill him with?" The Huntsman groaned.

"I want Snow White killed and his heart placed in this box." Evil Queen said in a monotonous tone. "Kill him with this dagger." He put a knife on top of a box and handed it to the Huntsman.

"Yes, your majesty." The Huntsman replied with a groan as she took the box and knife and walked away.

* * *

Later that day, Snow White was walking through the forest with his new animal friends. "So have you lived here before this base was built?" The animals stayed quiet. "I must be more insane than I thought." He shook his head. "I'm talking to forest animals."

"Well, well, well, Snow White." The Huntsman said. "Evil Queen wants your heart in this box." She showed a box.

"Let me guess, you're going to give it to him?" Snow White raised his eyebrow.

"That's how this goes, Snow White."

"No, please, don't kill me." Snow White said, as he raised his hands above his head.

The Huntsman hissed, raised her dagger. "Now cower with fear."

"Why should I?" Snow White went into his pockets and took out his phone, throwing it at the Huntsman's face. He then punched the Huntsman, who slashed him on the arm with her knife. Snow White attempted to strangle the Huntsman with his earbuds, but the Huntsman threw him down to the ground and when she went to punch him, he moved, tripping her up from behind. She stabbed him in the stomach while he straddled her, punching her in the face. She then punched him off her.

"Okay." Snow White panted, clutching his abdomen while blood seeped through his fingers. "Truce."

"I'll just tell Evil Queen I killed you."

"If this continues to bleed like it is, then you won't even have to lie about it." Snow White winced. The Huntsman looked over at him and his bloody stomach.

"Shit. Snow White, I'm so sorry about that." She said. "You should get that seen to." Snow White raised an eyebrow.

"Right." The Huntsman stood up. "Go! Go into the forest! Run as fast as you can! I will deal with the Evil Queen!"

Snow White stood up. "Yeah, I'm going." He said as he shuffled away.

* * *

"Did you bring me the heart of Snow White?" Asked the Evil Queen later that day.

"I did. It's here inside this box. And the dagger." The Huntsman offered a Walmart bag. "There was no way I was carrying that around the city, clear as day, so I put them in a shopping bag." She explained. "And you can get your Hydra henchmen down in forensics to check the blood, it's Snow White's."

"You did good, Huntsman." The Evil Queen said as the Huntsman walked away. He grunted and thrust the Walmart bag to an agent of Hydra. "Take this down to forensics. If Huntsman is lying about this, see to it she gets killed."

The agent took the bag and nodded. "Yes, your Majesty." He gave the Hydra salute-two fists in the air. "Hail Hydra!"

Evil Queen gave the salute back. "Hail Hydra." He smirked.

* * *

After dragging himself through the forest, Snow White happened upon a cottage. He burst in, in desperate need of medical aid and began to search for a first aid kit. The cottage was filthy so while Snow White stitched up his stab wound, he looked around. "This place is filthy. I wonder who lives here?" He frowned. Soon, Snow White was tired from both the cleaning and the blood loss and was forced to retreat upstairs, where he found a bedroom.

"I wonder who lives here?" Snow White asked himself as he opened the door to the bedroom. There were 7 metal framed beds in the room and Snow White dragged himself in to look at the names assigned to each one. "Happy. Grumpy. Sneezy. Sleepy. Bashful. Dopey. Doc." He read. "Those are some odd names." He croaked out before passing out horizontally on Happy, Grumpy and Sneezy's beds.

* * *

"Come on! Time to leave work! It's 5pm!" Doc called out in his Scottish accent.

"But we're so close to catching Evil Queen and his Hydra henchmen, Doc." Happy said.

"Doc's right." Bashful said with a shrug. " _Our_ shift's done. The night dwarfs will cover the _next_ shift."

"That and I'm sure we won't have found them by this time tomorrow." Sneezy rolled her eyes.

"Alright then. If you're sure." Happy said uncertainly. "Then it's time to Heigh Ho ourselves back home."

"Any more singing and I'll Heigh Ho yourself back to England." Grumpy raised her eyebrow slightly.

"And I suppose you're gonna kick me to LA." Dopey folded her arms. "Ooh, I'm so scared."

"No more sass. Just a quiet walk home today." Grumpy said.

"Sure, Grumpy." Doc said. "It's not like I can sing anyway."

* * *

When the dwarfs got to the cottage, they found the door open and that forest animals had wandered inside.

"I don't like the look of this." Bashful said, looking around.

"Relax, Bashful." Dopey rolled her eyes. "I'm sure Sneezy just forgot to lock the door again."

"Why was it me?" Sneezy pulled her batons from her pocket. "Why wasn't it Doc? Or Happy?"

"We're geniuses, that's why." Doc pulled out an ICER and began loading it up.

"Doc, I'm sure Sneezy meant nothing by that." Happy shrugged. "Just relax."

"Happy, I _am_ relaxed." Doc grunted. "This is just an ICER."

"Let's just _all_ stay calm here." Grumpy groaned. "After all-"

"You want to blame someone for not being calm?" Bashful interrupted. "Blame my she-devil ex-wife."

"That's nice. You just insulted me to my face." Sneezy pressed her baton to Bashful's neck.

"Hey! Sneezy! Leave him go!" Sleepy said loudly and Sneezy hit Bashful on the head with the other baton. Grumpy stepped in.

"That's enough!" She shouted. Suddenly, a noise came from upstairs.

"What was that?" Bashful asked, pulling out a gun.

"Relax, Bashful." Doc said. "It was probably just a forest animal."

"The ones that Sneezy let in, not us." Happy retorted.

"Stop it right now!" Grumpy hissed. "I'm going to go check it out. No talking until I get back." Grumpy took the ICER from Doc and made her way up the stairs. The other dwarfs waited with bated breath until she came back down. She didn't. Instead they heard screams and shots being fired. Everyone rushed upstairs.

"Grumpy! Are you alright?!" Everyone clamored. When they caught sight of the person in the beds, they backed away.

"What is _that_?" Dopey asked.

"It's a man." Grumpy responded.

"So we see." Doc said sarcastically.

"A badly injured man." Sleepy observed, approaching the unconscious man. "He's pale. Almost as if he's bled out."

"What's going on here?" A small and chubby man asked. "Let me through, I have..." He stopped in his tracks upon seeing the man. "He's not wearing a lanyard."

"Well, my current theory is that he was hurt in the woods-perhaps by someone or something-and came here looking for help." Happy said. "But he didn't find us because we were in... Work-Doc! Check for a pulse!"

Doc checked for a pulse on the man's neck. "I found one." He nodded. "But it's weak."

"Let's help him." Sneezy said.

"Wait, what?" The other man asked. "He has no lanyard-are you insane?"

"Hardly." Happy raised an eyebrow. "Despite our names, Doc, Sneezy and I are certifiable geniuses."

"And if he has no lanyard, then you can just give it to him, Cloney." Sleepy said. "Don't be mean. He's probably dying."

Doc opened the person's shirt and revealed a crudely stitched stab wound and an old scar over the man's heart. "I wonder what happened there." Bashful muttered.

"That's Snow White." Happy said in shock. "Only Snow White was stabbed through the heart and died, but came back from it several days later."

"That's _really_ messed up." Bashful said in disgust.

"Dopey, go get the medical kit." Doc said.

"You got it." Dopey nodded, leaving the room.

"And Cloney, we're going to need some blood." Sneezy raised her eyebrow to him.

"Why me?" The other man-Cloney-asked.

"Because you're not a dwarf. You're a small man." Happy said. "And if you don't, Princess Snow White will die."

Cloney raised an eyebrow. "Fine." He said, rolling his sleeve up. "Draw away."

* * *

Evil Queen was watching surveillance videos when the henchman came back into the room.

"Forensics has the results back."

"That was quick." Evil Queen said. "What do they say.

"The blood on the knife _was_ indeed the blood of Snow White." The Henchman said with a nod.

"And the heart?"

"The heart uh... Of a pig, your Majesty." The Henchman frowned.

"How's that possible?" Evil Queen asked.

"Snow White was probably stabbed with the knife. The heart was acquired elsewhere." The Henchman said. "It's my educated guess, anyway."

"Huntsman shall pay dearly for this." Evil Queen narrowed his eyes.

* * *

Snow White awoke with the dwarfs and Cloney around him. "Who are you?" He asked.

"Doc." Happy pointed to Doc.

"Happy." Doc pointed to Happy. "She's biochem."

"And he's engineering." Happy said happily.

"I'm Bashful, I'm a mercenary." He said in his working class English accent.

"Sleepy." Sleepy said with a nod. "I also do engineering."

"I do biochem as well and you can call me Sneezy." Sneezy gave a small smile.

"Dopey." Dopey chuckled. "And don't worry, I'm not _actually_ dopey."

"And I'm Grumpy." Grumpy folded her arms.

"But she actually _is_ grumpy." Bashful snorted.

"And I'm Cloney." Cloney said, narrowing his eyes. "Here's your lanyard." He handed Snow White a lanyard with a plastic orange ID card and a bar code. The card had a large logo on it; a shiny silver eagle.

"You're S.H.I.E.L.D." Snow White said quietly.

"We are indeed." Cloney leaned closer in to Snow White. "How do you know that?"

"I'm the Director." Snow White said, producing the little black toolbox from his pocket. Cloney's demeanor changed entirely.

"Princess Director Snow White, it's an absolute honor to meet you, Sir." He said, grabbing Snow White's hand to shake it.

"Uh... You too?" Snow White frowned in confusion.

"My name is Cloney Eric." Cloney said. "But everyone here just calls me Cloney. Oh, by the way, welcome to Providence!"

"Providence?" Snow White asked.

"Yeah, when the Battle of the Forest happened, Prince had several secret cottages built. I man this cottage and I named it Providence. My other brothers man the other cottages."

"How many cottages? And brothers?" Snow White asked.

"Not important." Cloney waved his hand dismissively.

"He says there's 13." Bashful said with a shrug.

"Probably all LMDs." Sleepy chuckled.

"We were going to have our after work meal, if you wanted to join us?" Dopey offered. Snow White nodded.

"But first, you have to tell us how you got that wound in your stomach." Grumpy narrowed her eyes.

"I was stabbed." Snow White said. "By an old friend of mine acting under Evil Queen's orders; the Huntsman."

"The Huntsman?" Everyone asked in shock.

"She knows where this cottage is!" Cloney said in panic. "She was Prince's most trusted agent before she left for Hydra!"

"She's not Hydra, Cloney." Doc rolled his eyes. "She's a uh... She works... She's us. But Hydra..."

"A double agent?" Sleepy offered.

"Yeah!" Doc shouted. "Double agent."

"Is she likely to come after you?" Sneezy asked.

"I don't think she even knows where I went." Snow White sighed.

"Then you can-and probably should-stay here." Grumpy folded her arms. "At least until that stab wound heals."

Snow White nodded. "Okay."

"We'll bring you up some soup." Happy promised.

* * *

Evil Queen walked through the halls of the Hydra base, saying many 'Hail Hydras' before descending a flight of stairs. He entered a laboratory room and there approached the people in it. "The heart of a pig?" He said. "Huntman's an idiot. An absolute class A moron."

"But the knife did have Snow White's blood on it." One of the scientists said.

"Yes, it did. And Snow white may well be dead, but I want his heart." Evil Queen said.

"What are you going to do about that, exactly?" Another scientist asked. "Last I heard, the S.H.I.E.L.D dwarfs rescued him."

"I'll go myself, to the dwarfs' cottage in a disguise." Evil Queen replied. "I've done disguises before. So I'll just dress up as Sleeping Beauty. Snow White is practically in love with Sleeping Beauty."

"But how are you going to get him to..." The first scientist asked.

"Well stabbing obviously didn't work and those pesky S.H.I.E.L.D dwarfs probably have guns, so I'm going to poison Snow White's food." Evil Queen said as if it were obvious. "He'd take food from Sleeping Beauty. But that food will have poison and kill him. Or at the very least, put him in some kind of coma."

"And you want... Us to-" The second scientist asked.

"Make it? Yes." Evil Queen asked.

"Evil Queen, I don't know if we can give you the chemicals to-" The second scientist began before the first scientist hit him.

"So you _do_ have it made, then?" Evil Queen narrowed his eyes.

The first scientist sighed and guiltily handed over a small bottle of liquid. "Here, Evil Queen. It will put Snow White into an unwaking coma."

"Thank you." Evil Queen snatched the bottle in a huff and stormed off upstairs.

"I know that Snow White is our deadly enemy, but does Evil Queen really have to poison him?" The first scientist asked.

"Well, do we really want Snow White out of our lives?" The second scientist asked. "Because if we do, then Snow White needs to go into that coma."

* * *

"Snow White, really with that wound you should be resting." Doc said to Snow White, who was pacing around the bedroom.

"I can't relax..." Snow White paused, trying to remember the dwarf's name.

"Doc." He said.

"Doc." Snow White confirmed. "I just have a bad feeling."

"A bad feeling about what?" Sneezy asked, as she entered the room.

"Snow White can't relax." Doc said. "He feels like something bad uh-will happen."

"I know what will help you relax." Sneezy smiled. She turned to the door. "Hey guys! Come up here!" The dwarfs and Cloney piled into the room.

"Gathering everyone in here's not exactly helping... Sleepy?" Snow White raised an eyebrow.

"S _nee_ zy." She corrected. "And you're going to get back into bed and tell us all a story."

"Fine." Snow White scoffed as he climbed into bed. "Once there was a princess..."

"Was the princess you?" Doc asked.

"And he fell in love." Snow White said.

"Was it hard to do?" Sleepy asked.

"Oh, it was very easy. Anyone could see that Prince was charming." Snow White continued as the dwarfs moved in closer. "The only one for me."

"Was he strong and handsome?" Dopey asked.

"Was he big and tall?" Sneezy asked, leaning in closer.

"There's nobody like him, anywhere at all." Snow White replied.

"D'he say he loved ya?" Bashful asked with a smile.

"Did he steal a kiss?" Happy asked excitedly.

"He was so romantic, I could not resist." Snow White sighed.

"Go on then!" Cloney pressed.

" _Some day my prince will come_

 _Some day we'll meet again_

 _And away to his castle we'll go_

 _To be happy forever I know_

 _Some day when spring is here_

 _We'll find a love anew_

 _And the birds will sing,_

 _And wedding bells will ring_

 _Someday when my dreams come tru_ e" Snow White sang. Or tried to.

"Yeah, you need more practice singing." Grumpy snorted.

"I know I do." Snow White smirked. Grumpy smirked back

"Alright, bedtime, Princess Snow White." Happy said. "We'll check on you in the morning."

"I got to admit, Sneezy, I feel a bit more relaxed." Snow White said as the dwarfs all left the room. "But that doesn't change the fact that there's a big, red X on my forehead."

* * *

Evil Queen was in his office. He had out a red candy apple and poured the little vial of poison out over it. "If this doesn't tempt Snow White, I don't know what will." He smirked. "Now to change into Sleeping Beauty's costume and surprise Snow White at the S.H.I.E.L.D dwarfs' cottage."

The scientists knocked on the office door. "Mr Evil Queen?" The first scientist asked.

"What is it?" Evil Queen sighed indignantly.

"There's an antidote for the poison." The second scientist said, meekly.

"Well, what is it?" Evil Queen snapped, opening the door.

"L-love's first kiss." The second scientist mumbled.

"Speak up!" Evil Queen barked.

"Love's first kiss!" The second scientist said, frightened to the verge of tears.

"Love's first kiss?" Evil Queen scoffed. "Well, no fear of _that_. Snow White has had a few first loves. None of them worked out."

"Okay." The scientists said.

"Those S.H.I.E.L.D dwarfs will think he's dead. And they'll bury him alive."

"But then he'll be dead." The first scientist frowned.

"That's the idea you idiots." Evil Queen grunted. "That he die."

"Pretty elaborate death plan if you ask me." The second scientist shrugged.

"Well elaborate is the only way to make sure he's dead now, isn't it?" Evil Queen said, putting Sleeping Beauty's cowl on. "Since the stabbing didn't work. By the way, make sure Huntsman gets her head cut off for betraying me like that."

"Uh... Okay." The first scientist nodded.

"Now." Evil queen grabbed the candy apple and put it in a bag. "I'm going to the S.H.I.E.L.D cottage. Don't wait up."

* * *

The next day, the dwarfs were all ready to go back to work.

"Now you look after yourself and rest, Snow White." Happy said.

"I'm fine, Happy." Snow White insisted.

"Alright. But I just don't want you to tear out your stitches." Happy sighed.

"I'll be fine, Happy." Snow White replied.

"Because then you'll just bleed to death and none of us will be around..." Happy began.

"You know, considering your name's Happy, you're not very happy." Snow White raised an eyebrow.

"Just be careful." Doc added.

"Yes. Be careful. The Evil Queen of Hydra might know you're here." Grumpy said. "So keep a low profile and rest in bed."

"Got it. Enjoy work." Snow White said, heading back into the house as the dwarfs waved at him.

* * *

Later that day, Snow White was fiddling with the toolbox and looking through it when there was a knock at the door. Quickly he turned the toolbox off and hid it, before going to answer the door.

"Hello." Evil Queen disguised as Sleeping Beauty said.

"Sleeping Beauty?" Snow White said in disbelief.

"Yes, it's me." Evil Queen said. "Sleeping Beauty."

"You've lost weight." Snow White frowned.

"Are the S.H.I.E.L.D dwarves here?" Evil Queen asked.

"Uh, no, but-" Snow White began.

"Good. Because I'm your old friend Sleeping Beauty here to sign your Sleeping Beauty trading cards."

"Uh, okay. I don't have them with me right now, but-"

"And Jasmine's doing fine, in case you wanted to know."

"I didn't ask, but fine." Snow White nodded.

"I heard you were stabbed..." Evil Queen said.

"Yeah, one of the dwarfs must've told you, right?" Snow White asked.

"They did." Evil Queen lied and took the candy apple from his Sleeping Beauty costume's pocket. "Here, I got you this candy apple as a get well gift. But you've got to eat it before I leave."

"Seems a bit odd, but okay." Snow White nodded and took the candy apple from Evil Queen, biting it and dropping down unceremoniously onto the floor.

"Good. Now I can get on with my Hydra." Evil Queen shuddered and tore off the Sleeping Beauty costume off as quickly as he could.

* * *

In the evening, the dwarfs were coming home from work.

"Hey, look!" Doc blurted out. "It looks like the Evil Queen!"

"That _is_ the Evil Queen!" Sleepy shouted.

"Stop right there, Evil Queen!" Happy called out.

"You'd better not have harmed Snow White" Grumpy called as he ran after the Evil Queen, tackling him to the ground. Bashful pulled out an ICER and shot the Evil Queen with it, rendering him unconscious.

"What do we do now?" Doc asked. "That was almost too easy."

"Happy, Dopey, Sneezy, Bashful and Doc should come back to check on Snow White with me." Cloney said. "Grumpy and Sleepy can dispose of the Evil Queen off the nearby cliff."

"Works for me." Sneezy nodded. "Let's go do our things."

* * *

Sleepy and Grumpy returned to the cottage after throwing Evil Queen off a cliff and ensuring that he died. Everyone in the cottage was frantic.

"What's going on here, then?" Sleepy asked. " _You're_ the doctor, Happy."

"I don't know." Happy replied. "I think Snow White's slipped into some sort of coma. Maybe Evil Queen drugged him somehow."

"What?" Grumpy asked indignantly.

"I have him on life support machines, but I don't know if it's going to be enough." Happy sighed.

"She's saying that it's time to find a new S.H.I.E.L.D director." Doc said sadly.

"In no uncertain words, yes, Doc. And it should be one of us." Happy said.

"Well, we'll worry about that if- _if_ -he dies." Grumpy growled.

"We don't know if he _will_ wake." Sneezy shook her head. "We've got him on all kinds of life support-even dialysis in case it _is_ poisoning."

"We don't know if there's anything more they can do." Bashful said.

"Then we'll take it day by day." Sleepy said. Grumpy nodded in agreement. "I'm sure that's what he would want."

"Not that he can speak right now, being comatose and all." Dopey shrugged.

"Dopey!" Cloney hissed loudly.

"Well... It _is_ true." Dopey said.

* * *

And the Prince searched far and wide for the princess who lay comatose for months in a bed, not moving or really doing anything. Somehow, being a princess in a coma gives you publicity, but not enough for people to know where you are. And so the Prince went up to Snow White and kissed her, even though she had a breathing tube forced into her mouth. The ventilator didn't really put him off much. And all the dwarfs were out working-except for Cloney-because how else would they pay for Snow White's monstrous medical bills?

When the Prince kissed Snow White, his eyes opened and he looked at the Prince as if to say 'about damn time'. Cloney saw that Snow White was awake again and called the other dwarfs home. Happy happily removed all the medical equipment surrounding Snow White and everyone celebrated the fact that he was okay. Snow White and the Prince lived happily ever after.

* * *

"I hope you liked that story kids." Phil sighed. He sitting on his daughter's hotel bed.

"I enjoyed it." Dana nodded. "I love princesses."

"But Dad, don't sing again." Max shook his head. "You aren't very good."

"I'll keep that in mind, Kiddo." Phil chuckled lightly, getting to his feet. "Come on. Sleep now. We're going to Epcot tomorrow. You'll be able to meet the real Snow White there."

"Alright." Dana nodded. "Night, Dad."

"Night, Dad." Max said.

"Night kids." Phil walked over and turned out the light before climbing into his own hotel bed. Boy he had issues, pairing himself romantically with his boss Nick Fury? Well, if it made his kids happy. He smiled to himself, just happy that he was able to get Disney.

* * *

 **A/N: Happy New Year! This is literally just Phil Coulson telling a bedtime story to his kids, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. Can you figure out which character in this matches up with the Agents of SHIELD characters?**

 **I don't own Disney or Marvel or anyone in this except Coulson's two kids.**


End file.
